Christmas time, airport chaos and crime..

                                         Elasticated pants..the way forward...


Well guys and gals it's that time again...the alter ego is out in force and our dreams of a white Christmas have swiftly deteriorated into our worst nightmares...

So here's a few hints, tips and observations of my bygone Decembers...

1. reconsider your thoughts of wearing those skinny jeans that you have to do lunges in an attempt to stretch on Christmas day. Not only will you feel rather depressed when they feel tighter than last time, you don't want your button poppin off and pingin gramps between the eyes. think Joey's thanksgiving pants instead.

2. no matter how old or mature you feel (my granny used to chuckle away at 'Baby's day out)', you still maintain that secret love of the films that crop up around Christmas. I'm talking quality such as george of the jungle, all the home alones, chicken run...etc etc.

3. Celine does the best version of O Holy Night. Fact.

4. You gotta love a good old beltin out of the carols at Church on Christmas mornin...

5. shops and christmas shopping turn perfectly sane individuals into crazed psychopathic maniacs who will stop at nothing to get what they want. trust no-one. if there is only one sled left, 80-year old Mavis from next door will undoubtedly come careering round the corner in her mobility scooter, hook the sled with her litter picker, and speed off in the distance leaving a wake of dust and despairing children behind her.

6. thank the lord for the invention of dishwashers.

7. New Year's is often an incredible anti-climax. if you think you're pissed when you get to your destination, you will soon sober up in the 45 minute wait at the bar. when you finally get served, you feel no shame in buying three drinks for each hand (i have seen it done), drinking much faster than usual as you realise you cant be bothered holding them any more, and end up waking up on the floor to be told its next year and they're closing up. Happy New Year.

8. As you get older you find less and less presents for you under the tree.

9. always have your shoes off. If you don't you will be the first asked to bring in sticks or coal.

10. if your shoes are on, pretend you are sleeping as the fire begins to die.

11. you are never too old to slide down a snow-covered hill.

12. If you own a pet less than 12 inches tall, keep it on a lead cos when it steps outside you will lose it. Especially if it's white.

13. If you're scraping the snow off your car, don't leave your door open and keys in the ignition. some little shit might possibly steal you ve-hicle. Disusting, but it's happened.

13. Santa is real. He's keepin a list, checking it twice. and he already knows who's naughty or nice.

 I can't wait for my pressies ;-)

Merry Christmas bitches and hos, make sure you get ur swag on and whip ur hair back an forth this festive period. How hip am I...

Reality bites...

it's that time again, the shops are busy, everyone is in a rush. students are stressed about exams and assignments, parents worried about meeting their kids needs and wants on Christmas day (Santa is still real, i said nothing). The budget has hit the helpless hard, and as we approach the end of the year, it seems as though some aren't feeling the festive cheer.

I'm not writing her to say everything is rosy. Cos let's face it, it's really not. But every so often something happends in your life that makes you take a step back and take a severe reality check. How fickle of us to moan about being 'broke' when those on the street can't afford a bed for the night. We say we're wrecked after work and we're underpaid, when thousands would give their right arm for a job right now. we complain about having so much on, not being able to fit everything in. But at least we are alive, fit and healthy to try.

winter is a harsh season, and can bring even the best of us down (i had a runny nose last week, ran out of berroca). for the elderly, it is especially difficult. death is a sobering thought, and only when it happens to someone you are close do you realise how lucky you really are. So many this christmas are without someone they love. so many will spend christmas in hospital, fighting a battle they might not win.

People talk about the real meaning of Christmas. Whether you're religious or not, family is one of the real meanings of Christmas. So the next time you complain about being under the weather, flat out at work, unable to afford the latest version of the i-phone, but then head for drinks with freinds or home to your warm cosy place with your family, take a step back. Be thankful for everything you have. Ring your mum and have a chat. Enjoy every minute of your time with those you love most.

Because it's true. You don't know what you have until it's gone.

No be a good nieghbour and go visit Mavis next door. She'd love a cuppa.

Still cool in the heat...?

As I sit wrapped in a fleece (literally and metaphorically) of austerity, it appears as though the future of the Irish population is about as bleak as the Irish weather. The budget may have come and gone but its legacy will long live in the young lives of those it affects worst.  At the height of the “Celtic Tiger” Ireland experienced the largest population growth of any country in the EU. Oh, how times have changed. Some 65,000 people left last year, the highest rate since 1989. The Irish Union of Students estimates that 150,000 young people will up sticks and scarper in the next 5 years.

As we enter the Christmas period, many would say ‘tis not the season to be jolly. Whilst some of us dread the visiting mother-in-law, others inevitably rue the decision to get pissed at their Christmas work party, photocopy their arse (just like last year) and throw some cheesy one-liners at the boss in a fickle attempt to get a pay rise. We’re all broke. We plod through snow and ice, get a little ahead of ourselves, think we’ve made it to the comfortable safety of the indoors...then slap, bang, we’re lying on the ground, bewildered and confused. We either pray no-one has seen, or that someone will help. Usually it’s neither. In fact it’s probably been videos and in 5 minutes will be posted on Facebook.

In light of this, there is no doubt that many are green with envy when someone they know updates their Facebook status. “35 degrees and lying on the beach sipping cocktails...bliss!” Nice for some. However, for those thousands of disgruntled Irish who will migrate to warmer climates, it could soon be nice for many. For those who have already migrated to a warm country, Christmas conditions could not be further from the depths of snowy Dublin. Do they long to return to their traditions of Christmas past, or are the soaring temperatures and beautiful beaches just an added luxury to the holiday season? Do chestnuts roast, or just the people?

Ian Mckeown (28) is a native of Belfast. He moved to Canberra two years ago to do a PhD in strength and conditioning, with a view of finding a job there upon completion. (NB At the risk of toning down the extent of his ill-feeling towards Christmas in a hot country, many expletives have been removed.) “It’s not Christmas here, not like how I know it. They play Slade and the usual festive numbers, but it seems ironic when you hear Bing Crosby croon ‘Let it snow’ when it’s 38 degrees outside. It’s all a bit artificial really.”

Whilst many traditions remain (they have the same Santa, send cards and over-indulge on turkey and ham), Ian ponders wistfully on life’s little pleasures. “They don’t have Mark’s and Spencer’s Christmas treats. And of course, Christmas is all about tradition. Spending time with the family. I miss that the most.”

Someone who agrees with Ian is 35 year-old Emma Clarke, who moved to Sydney last year with her husband and two children. “This will be our second Christmas in Australia. Last year was difficult for us, being away from our parents and extended family. But there is no doubt being with my husband and watching our kid’s faces light up on Christmas morning is a feeling that remains no matter where you live. Christmas is all about family, isn’t it? We may not have the snow, but at least we have each other.”

It appears as though Christmas is only Christmas if the family is around, regardless of location. Sure, a bit of snow wouldn’t go amiss, but is it really all that important? If tradition means family, and your loved ones are afar, Brian Lenihan has done you a favour this year. Airport tax is cut from €10 to €3. It’s never been easier to emigrate.

Still cool in the heat...?

(quite a lot of fictional quotes, but hey gotta be done)

As I sit wrapped in a fleece (literally and metaphorically) of austerity, it appears as though the future of the Irish population is about as bleak as the Irish weather. The budget may have come and gone but its legacy will long live in the young lives of those it affects worst.  At the height of the “Celtic Tiger” Ireland experienced the largest population growth of any country in the EU. Oh, how times have changed. Some 65,000 people left last year, the highest rate since 1989. The Irish Union of Students estimates that 150,000 young people will up sticks and scarper in the next 5 years.

As we enter the Christmas period, many would say ‘tis not the season to be jolly. Whilst some of us dread the visiting mother-in-law, others inevitably rue the decision to get pissed at their Christmas work party, photocopy their arse (just like last year) and throw some cheesy one-liners at the boss in a fickle attempt to get a pay rise. We’re all broke. We plod through snow and ice, get a little ahead of ourselves, think we’ve made it to the comfortable safety of the indoors...then slap, bang, we’re lying on the ground, bewildered and confused. We either pray no-one has seen, or that someone will help. Usually it’s neither. In fact it’s probably been videos and in 5 minutes will be posted on Facebook.

In light of this, there is no doubt that many are green with envy when someone they know updates their Facebook status. “35 degrees and lying on the beach sipping cocktails...bliss!” Nice for some. However, for those thousands of disgruntled Irish who will migrate to warmer climates, it could soon be nice for many. For those who have already migrated to a warm country, Christmas conditions could not be further from the depths of snowy Dublin. Do they long to return to their traditions of Christmas past, or are the soaring temperatures and beautiful beaches just an added luxury to the holiday season? Do chestnuts roast, or just the people?

Ian Mckeown (28) is a native of Belfast. He moved to Canberra two years ago to do a PhD in strength and conditioning, with a view of finding a job there upon completion. (NB At the risk of toning down the extent of his ill-feeling towards Christmas in a hot country, many expletives have been removed.) “It’s not Christmas here, not like how I know it. They play Slade and the usual festive numbers, but it seems ironic when you hear Bing Crosby croon ‘Let it snow’ when it’s 38 degrees outside. It’s all a bit artificial really.”

Whilst many traditions remain (they have the same Santa, send cards and over-indulge on turkey and ham), Ian ponders wistfully on life’s little pleasures. “They don’t have Mark’s and Spencer’s Christmas treats. And of course, Christmas is all about tradition. Spending time with the family. I miss that the most.”

Someone who agrees with Ian is 35 year-old Emma Clarke, who moved to Sydney last year with her husband and two children. “This will be our second Christmas in Australia. Last year was difficult for us, being away from our parents and extended family. But there is no doubt being with my husband and watching our kid’s faces light up on Christmas morning is a feeling that remains no matter where you live. Christmas is all about family, isn’t it? We may not have the snow, but at least we have each other.”

It appears as though Christmas is only Christmas if the family is around, regardless of location. Sure, a bit of snow wouldn’t go amiss, but is it really all that important? If tradition means family, and your loved ones are afar, Brian Lenihan has done you a favour this year. Airport tax is cut from €10 to €3. It’s never been easier to emigrate.