Well guys and gals it's that time again...the alter ego is out in force and our dreams of a white Christmas have swiftly deteriorated into our worst nightmares...
So here's a few hints, tips and observations of my bygone Decembers...
1. reconsider your thoughts of wearing those skinny jeans that you have to do lunges in an attempt to stretch on Christmas day. Not only will you feel rather depressed when they feel tighter than last time, you don't want your button poppin off and pingin gramps between the eyes. think Joey's thanksgiving pants instead.
2. no matter how old or mature you feel (my granny used to chuckle away at 'Baby's day out)', you still maintain that secret love of the films that crop up around Christmas. I'm talking quality such as george of the jungle, all the home alones, chicken run...etc etc.
3. Celine does the best version of O Holy Night. Fact.
4. You gotta love a good old beltin out of the carols at Church on Christmas mornin...
5. shops and christmas shopping turn perfectly sane individuals into crazed psychopathic maniacs who will stop at nothing to get what they want. trust no-one. if there is only one sled left, 80-year old Mavis from next door will undoubtedly come careering round the corner in her mobility scooter, hook the sled with her litter picker, and speed off in the distance leaving a wake of dust and despairing children behind her.
6. thank the lord for the invention of dishwashers.
7. New Year's is often an incredible anti-climax. if you think you're pissed when you get to your destination, you will soon sober up in the 45 minute wait at the bar. when you finally get served, you feel no shame in buying three drinks for each hand (i have seen it done), drinking much faster than usual as you realise you cant be bothered holding them any more, and end up waking up on the floor to be told its next year and they're closing up. Happy New Year.
8. As you get older you find less and less presents for you under the tree.
9. always have your shoes off. If you don't you will be the first asked to bring in sticks or coal.
10. if your shoes are on, pretend you are sleeping as the fire begins to die.
11. you are never too old to slide down a snow-covered hill.
12. If you own a pet less than 12 inches tall, keep it on a lead cos when it steps outside you will lose it. Especially if it's white.
13. If you're scraping the snow off your car, don't leave your door open and keys in the ignition. some little shit might possibly steal you ve-hicle. Disusting, but it's happened.
13. Santa is real. He's keepin a list, checking it twice. and he already knows who's naughty or nice.
I can't wait for my pressies ;-)
Merry Christmas bitches and hos, make sure you get ur swag on and whip ur hair back an forth this festive period. How hip am I...
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