Dublin Eitquette

So, having been a resident of Dublin for just over 5 weeks now, I am slowly but surely learning the tricks of the trade. Here my friends are a few unofficial rules I have come to acknowledge in order to keep sane (and avoid the blame) when going about your business in the big smoke.

1. Traffic light turning red is a signal to put your foot on the accelerator and speed up. Approximately 5 seconds after the light has turned red, it is still acceptable to carry out the same process.

2. If you are a pedstrian, take note of point number one.

3. When using public transport, it is compulsary to accessorise your look with an ipod, iphone and/or ipad. The customary novel is a thing of the past, it seems.

4. Never look a beggar in the eye. They will try to steal something whilst you do.

5. If you're doing a vox-pop in the city centre, you may as well have leprosy. People will undoubtedly avoid you like the plague.

6. If you have a northern reg, police will also avoid you like the plague.

7. If Bachelor's Sugar-free beans are on offer...there is a reason why. Bleugh.

8. Taxis (not unlike Harry Wormwood), own electrical devices that allow their meters to shoot up after every pot-hole and bend in the road. Don't be surprised to find a 4 euro add-on fee to put your handbag in the boot.

9. The 2euro store dosn't have a patch on Poundland.

10. Good phone deals don't exist, and if you get 100 minutes and 100texts for 60euro a month it's considered a bargain.

11. Living in a quiet residential area of South Dublin is no reason to expect your car to be safe at night.

12. When it say "look left" on the road, don't forget to also look right, you never know what eejit cyclist will have decided to cycle the wrong way.

13. Keep money with you at all times, you will have to pay for parking on a secluded street at 4am on a Sunday morning.

14. If you looking for cheap entertainment, head down to the district courts. A. N. Other, of no fixed abode, with 143 previous convictions, will never fail to provide a laugh.

15. At around a euro a sip, savour every last drop of your pint.

16. When all is said and done, take a moment to savour the beauty, charisma, the culture and sheer uniqueness of the fair city. You are one lucky fecker.

Young at heart, or a boring old fart?

'Baa-ram-ewe. Baa-ram-ewe. To your breed, your fleece, your clan be true. Sheep be true. Baa-ram-eweeeeee.' Guess the film...

Yes, the answer is indeed the 1995 'blockbuster,' Babe. What a film eh? Who would ever have thought that Farmer Hoggett could teach the little porker how to gently herd Maa and her fellow comrades in and out of their pen. A delightful story with endearing characters that we cannot help but be drawn to. I am not ashamed to admit that Babe is up there amongst my favourite films. It is a classic in my eyes that never fails to bring a smile to my face.

Which got me to thinking about my favourite films. Sister Act. Home Alone. Shrek. Matilda. The Mighty Ducks. Indeed, none likely to receive complaints about their classification ratings. I would happily spend an evening in front of the telly watching any of the above. Is it wrong that I am 22 and can sing along with Sister Mary Clarence and the pupils of St. Francis Academy with ease? Am I immature? Or simply happy to retreat from the doom and gloom that is today's society, even just for 90 minutes?

My friends often laugh at me when I quote from a film. "Here you are, my heartstrings...AGGHHH" is a common one. "You guys give up, or you thirsty for more?" is another. When Shrek came into the cinema, I think I laughed harder than any of the kids (the opening scene of Shrek 1 when he farts in his mud bath and a fish floats to the surface is a personal favourite. Come on, you know it made you laugh). As unrealistic as it is, it's hard to beat a happy ending. As if the Mighty Ducks were going to lose in the finals. Or Babe wasn't going to get perfect scores at the sheepdog trials.

 People these days are far too serious. They need to lighten up. Sure, there are hard times, when we are low. Over-worked and under-paid, as they say. Surely such realism is all the more reason to unashamedly indulge in some light-hearted, innocent entertainment?! I have been called a big kid in my time. I can also be mature and well-behaved when I choose to be. Sometimes I am serious, sometimes I act like Bruce Bogtrotter around cake. But after all is said and done, I'm like an onion. I have layers.

Roo Selfish Git

"Aw crap, I've lost me wallet. Colleeeeeennn?!?"

So the debacle is over. After days of speculation, statements and slagging, Wazza has signed a 5 year contract with Manchester United, a mere 48 hours after suggesting his team-mates were not good enough to win anything and declaring his intention to leave the club. A load of palaver over nothing? A clever ploy by Rooney and his agent to 'bully' Ferguson into offering him an improved deal? Form your own opinions. The views of Utd. fans appear to be mixed. Some delighted he has agreed to sign a new deal (even after numerous insults shared over numerous social networking avenues. Oh how opinions change). Some not so happy, surely the most recent "Judas Escariot" of the footballing realm has his heart elsewhere, most likely at his nearest Halifax Branch? For me, one thing is frighteningly clear. Money is undoubtedly ruining football....and the lack of it is ruining the average Joe's of British and Irish society.

Rooney's new contract is reportedly worth £200,000 a week. Yaya Toure, £220,000/week. John Terry, £135,000/week. Christiano Ronaldo, £180,000/week. Rio Ferdinand, £120,000/week. Manchester City paid Inter Milan £23 million for Mario Balotelli during the summer. He demanded a £180,000/week contract, and so far this season has played 33 fine minutes of football for the club. That, my friends, is a £ per minute figure that I can not even bring myself to calculate.

Meanwhile, new analysis released today suggests that three quarters of a million public sector workers could lose their jobs as a result of the Government's spending review. Family home's are being repossessed as couples cannot afford their mortgage. More young people than ever before are migrating to pastures new in search of a better life (or if your Alex Ferguson, you see a cow in another field and think it's better than the one you have in your own). Graduates are working anywhere that will employ them, which in turn deals a blow to those who would have usually taken those jobs. Young parents struggling to make ends meet are facing the daunting prospect of child benefit cuts. Homelessness is more prevalent than ever before. All in all, we're in a right mess aren't we?

To write the previous two paragraphs makes my blood boil. The wages footballers demand is absolutely disgusting. They make more money in a month than some would hope to ever make in a lifetime. When will the line be drawn? How can one human being, same as the rest of us, be worth £80 million? The UK and Irish economy is in turmoil, and all-the-while Wayne Rooney can kick up a fuss and in 48 hours sees his wages double? The injustice is frightening. And for me, what appears all the more frightening, is that few even seem to mind.